Valentine’s Day ~ A New Vision

I can barely remember those bags full of colored Valentines that I exchanged with my grammar schoolmates, but I certainly remember the feeling. I was all tingly with crushes on boys. I couldn’t wait to blush and fat-pencil an anonymous note to the latest objects of my affection. Some people are late bloomers; I was precocious when it came to romance and its rush. I already had my eye in a guy in the first grade—OK, maybe way before that in the sandbox! I’m not sure, if this is typical or if I was a budding Lolita …

… but I’ve heard from my friends with young children that teachers now handle this exchange with the utmost sensitivity. Parents are asked to have their children send a Valentine to each student if they swap ‘tines. This makes a lot of sense to me for avoiding hurt feelings and for its underlying premise. There's something lovable about everyone you know, and Valentine’s is the Day to tell him or her.

Enlarging Love

While Valentine’s Day and the sweet cards also known as Valentines originally focused on romantic love, despite its starry-eyed history, this holiday has evolved to encompass all kinds of love. This may be as much a product of Hallmark advertising as opening our hearts. Either way, I vote for it! I send Valentines to special friends, relatives, and anyone I feel close to. The key is intimacy, affection, or the willingness to express appreciation.

I want to focus on the last concept—using Valentines to express appreciation. I had an experience once that feels similar to the teachers who ask that the children in their classes send a Valentine to everyone. At first, it may not sound like a story about Valentines of appreciation, but I’ll tell it because it shows they come in many forms.

In the early ‘80s, I was chair of the holiday entertainment committee in my wild and wacky office, comprised at the time mostly of 20- and 30-somethings who really liked to party. We put together a take-off on the Oscars. Our agency was relatively small—75 people tops. Since our work was in waste management and recycling, our “Oscar” was a gold painted tin can on a wooden base with Oscar the Grouch on the front, stuffed with paper “trash.” The fun was in the slide show. (Remember life before PowerPoint?) We must have had 20 or more Oscar categories. It came to me that this was our chance to include everyone. We made the decision that every person on staff would be nominated in one of the categories, even if each category had only one winner. We got a chance to show our affection for everyone by “roasting” him or her in a playful way, and it was hilarious! Often the reasons for the nominations were so appreciative of their uniqueness and funny, our colleagues could truly say, as do “real” Oscar nominees, “It was an honor just to be nominated.”

Toastmaster Valentines

Another place I exchange “Valentines” regularly is at my Toastmasters club. As is the tradition of Toastmasters, each speaker has an evaluator to give immediate feedback—both kudos and suggestions for improvement—after each speech. We’ve added something extra—the Valentine. This is a note of a line or two saying what we liked about each speaker’s presentation. I treasure mine. I keep them all! On a blue day, I dip into my Valentine’s box to read this warm ‘n’ fuzzy feedback.

Colleague Valentines

One year, one of my colleagues I have known for years cut out little hearts. She gave one to each member of our team with a note saying what she appreciates about us. I’ll never forget the thoughtfulness of it and the “warm flash” I got reading that she admires my writing skills. We like our spouses or partners to say, “I love you” often, but this goes for our friends and associates, too. This idea probably wouldn’t work in all offices, but our close working relationship in a predominately-female environment was an atmosphere where it felt totally appropriate. If your office has the qualities where you could “pull this off,” consider starting this great tradition—or the Toastmaster’s Valentine after your workmates give a major speech or other type of presentation.

Forget the Other Winter Holiday Cards—Send Valentines

I am posting this piece near the middle of February. I have still not sent most of my Christmas/ Solstice/ Chanukah cards with my annual newsletter. Of course, I’ll still send them as I can—late with apologies.

Like many people, I tend to forget what I learn. It’s the human psyche’s urge to forget what’s painful like childbirth or the criminal neglect of being unable to get it together to send a greeting card to a list of people you treasure once a bloody year. I had this great epiphany a few years ago. Why send the annual news at ChrismaSolstiChanuzaa, when you’re losing your mind from stress and a To Do List that looks longer than Santa’s checklist for all the children in the world?

I managed to pull it off once—sent my update newsletter in summer. Not only does it avoid the winter holiday rush. It makes your correspondence stand out. It’s not being read and barely absorbed by people who are holidazed, bloated, and maybe even brain dead.

In my embarrassment, (the cards and letters have been ready to go since just after Thanksgiving!), I am revisiting the idea again of sending off-cycle with Hallmark. Why not Valentine’s cards and an annual Valentine’s update? All people need is a little two-liner about why you appreciate them in a simple heart along with your general holiday letter. I bet your friends and family will treasure them as much as I do my short-but-sweet Toastmaster ‘tines.

Hug Your Honey, Create Traditions of Your Own

Back to romance and the beginnings of the St. Valentine’s Day. If you’re in a relationship, do you have a special ritual for this day? Tim and I had a late lunch at the Red Lobster in Dallas when we were first getting back together after decades apart. We have eaten lunch at a Red Lobster every Valentine’s Day since then. It’s a simple thing, but it reminds me of a line from a‘70s pop poet:

“Love is a season and holidays like signposts mark the time.” ~ Rod McKuen

Dinner at Red Lobster is a signpost, a sweet ritual of déjà food that takes us back each time to the wonder of our reconnection.

Not Currently in a Relationship?

Then this is your time to hug yourself. The best relationships with others evolve from good self-esteem and self-love.

You can create your own love and appreciation rituals that will increase your magnetism and feelings of being OK “either way,” whether you’re in a relationship or not. (Getting to that wonderful place often precedes finding Mr. or Ms. Right, since you are attracted more out of want than need.)

Ideas: spa day, writing yourself a Valentine’s list of everything you appreciate about yourself, having a makeover in the cosmetics department of your favorite fancy department store, taking a day off, writing and delivering your own Valentine’s of appreciation to others. Yes, it’s for them, but you’ll feel like a million bucks! Plus, you’ll see a bunch of people you love, even for just a few minutes, on Love Day.

The best idea I have ever encountered of this kind is a ritual in a book by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK), Transformation Soup. It’s a ritual for marrying yourself. No kidding! We did this ceremony together in my small women’s spirituality circle, and it was a potent reminder that all good connections emanate, first, from our relationship with ourselves. Since it’s copyrighted material, I can’t share the details here—but I encourage you, if interested, to check out SARK’s book and go for it! It’s on page 37 under the header, Being Your Own Partner.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Wishing much warmth to all our Cool Insighters, and as the old song goes—most of all, I wish you love.

~~~


Photo Credit: Funny © Olga Shchoukina Dreamstime.com

Blog Comment Contest! Don’t forget to comment for entry into this week’s comment contest for Valentine's month. Comments on any post qualify according to the guidelines in the announcement. Need how-to on commenting? Click on The Cosmos Comments.

Winner of Week 1 Comment Contest: Congratulations to Marie of Lake Tahoe who won a copy of my e-book, The Training Tape, in the Valentine’s Month comment contest. Week 1 ran from Feb. 1-7. Comment each week this month for another opportunity to win!

“Always Be Yourself”

In high school, Bonnie Fox and I thought we were the new Rogers & Hammerstein. We worked on our own version of High School Musical, the first students to contribute a completely original song, both music and lyrics, to our annual variety show. I was the lyricist; Bonnie played piano and composed music completely by ear.

I was in awe of her talent. Not just that, she came from the most musical family I’ve ever met. Her parents were a handsome couple, always out doing some community theater gig. Each of their five children was gifted musically. I felt like a dunce with two left thumbs because I could only play the piano by reading music. Ironically, Bonnie admired this skill I had that she lacked.

Mr. and Mrs. Fox inspired me in more ways than I’d ever imagined at the time. Bonnie taught me one of their soft shoe numbers. I don’t remember much about the dance, but I’ll never forget the lyrics to an original number in one of their shows:

Always be yourself.
Don’t be a fraud ‘cause no one buys it.
More people ought to realize it,
So always be yourself!

Honest to a fault, I’ve never had much problem with authenticity. But there are other things that creep into our ethical struggles, especially if we “live” on the Internet. The name of my ongoing struggle as a writer and blogger is Image.

Last fall, I had new photos taken. It was a fun day in the Capitol Park Rose Garden in Sacramento, especially since my photographer, Roni Java, is a friend. Her affection for me showed as she made me work to show my best with lots of sweet words of encouragement. She took tons—I mean, tons of pictures. My smile muscles still hurt!

Out of more than 60 shots, with my husband Tim looking over my shoulder at the computer, we both knew instantly the one that would be my new public face and “avatar” on Blogger, Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites. We both chimed in simultaneously, “That’s it!”

I’ll be honest; it’s one where I look the youngest and most vital, where the fewest wrinkles and other telltale signs of aging show. More than that, I think we both loved how it captures my goofy grin, sense of mischief, and my love of beauty. Who could resist a peach and coral colored rose? Especially a Venus Girl?

There’s nothing like a photo shoot to bring you in close contact with your feelings about your image. I admit I have issues with vanity, but I’d like to think they’re not over the top. Everyone needs to do this now and then, if only to ask yourself why you love the picture you choose. It will be revealing. I found out: I want you to know that beauty and fun are the roses of my life … but I suspect you’ve already figured that out yourself. For me, this photo also provides a visual affirmation to remind my inner workaholic to take time to smell the roses.

This picture is as close to the real me as I’ve seen captured in a long time. Or is it just the me I want you to know?

It’s not every single facet of me, but it’s most of me—and it’s me shining. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

Treat yourself to a new photo this Valentine’s season. It’s a way to love yourself, and if there are flashbulbs involved, they’ll help you let out your Light Within.

~~~

Photo Credit: © Roni Java Photography

Blog Comment Contest! Don’t forget to comment for entry into this week’s Valentine’s Month comment contest. Comments on any post qualify according to the guidelines in the announcement. Need how-to on commenting? Click on The Cosmos Comments.

It’s Valentine’s Month—and Comment Contest Time!

Dear Cool Insighters,

In order to help us “feel the love” and our connection during this hearty time of year, it’s time for another Comment Contest! The object is to get as many comments as possible flowing … and while we’re at it, to reward you for your participation.

Weekly Chance to Win!

Each time you make a substantive comment on Hot Flashbacks, Cool Insights with specific response and reference to blog content (any post), your name goes into a hat for a weekly drawing. (What I’m trying to say here is that comments like “nice blog” will not qualify.) You have four chances to win during February. The contests weeks begin February 1, 8, 15, and 22, with the final week wrapping up on February 28.

Drawing Period

The drawing period will run from Monday through Sunday, starting on February 1st. I’ll draw the winner, then announce who won at the bottom of the next week’s post.

Prizes

The prizes for Weeks 1-3 will be your choice of my e-book, The Training Tape, or one of the No Soliciting signs that I sell in the sidebar. The Grand Prize, drawn at the end of Week 4, will be a copy of Capital Crimes: 15 Tales by Sacramento Area Authors personally autographed from me to you. My story “Digital” provides the comic relief in this fabulous collection of mystery short stories by my local Sisters in Crime chapter.

But Wait—There’s More!

Want more chances to win more prizes? Visit The Radical Virgo for a separate contest during the same time period—same rules, different prizes.

Happy Valentine’s Day to the best readers in the world! Good luck in the contests, and I hope our February is full of heart connections.

Blessings All,
Joyce

~~~

Photo Credit: © Maxim_Kazmin - Fotolia.com

The Converse Golden Rule

For some of us, the Golden Rule is not difficult: Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Treat others as you want to be treated.

If you’re anything like me—if you have the Golden Rule nailed—you might be such a giver and so other-oriented, you might want to learn its complement. I call it the Converse Golden Rule: Do unto yourself, as you do unto others. Treat yourself as well as you treat others.

I pour myself whole-heartedly into every job, friend, family member, committee, club, and project to the point that I often drain myself of my own life force. My first job was as a social worker, and I admit, I have always done some sort of social work ever since, whether in my day job, avocation, or part-time work on the side. It might have been called something else and the purpose may have appeared to be something else. But it was still “social work.” I am a do-gooder and helper through and through.

When Giving Hurts
Unfortunately, like anything done to an extreme, excessive “doing unto others” can be damaging to both the giver and receiver. There are often hidden psychological issues behind too much giving. One possibility is a need for love and approval. Another can be that we are mimicking an intense nurturing style from a parent. We tend to do as we are taught until we consciously break the cycle, whether it’s being abusive or smothering a kid with rib-crunching hugs till he yells, “Uncle.”

Whatever the cause—and, if it applies, that’s for each of us to examine and work on—helpers need to learn to help themselves. There is nothing wrong with caring about others, but when it’s at the expense of your own health, accomplishments, joy and fun in life, it’s time to meet the Converse Golden Rule.

I was finally able to turn around some of the more destructive aspects of my Giving Tree behavior by deciding to treat myself like I’d treat one of my closest friends. What a concept! I wish I had thought of it sooner. This I knew how to do—well!

My reference to the Giving Tree is a book I remember discussing at my women’s consciousness-raising group in the ‘70s. (Remember those?) While many would find Shel Silverstein’s children’s story endearing about an apple tree who loves a little boy so much, it gives and gives till it has nothing left to give; some women on the cusp of liberation were not amused 35 years ago. They were righteously indignant. They felt this was the wrong message to be sending our children—to give and give with no regard for themselves. It touched too close to the bone as the traditional role women were expected to play. They were tired of being nothing in and of themselves and only regarded as valuable in their role as compulsive givers.

On Balance
Boomers have had to integrate some true extremes in our lifetime. Most of us were children in the ‘50s but reached young adulthood in the ‘60s and ‘70s. Could any two eras differ more? Ozzie and Harriet meets Michael the Meathead and Gloria. My struggles with being pulled in these two opposite directions are full of both humor and pathos when I flash back on my life. I felt schizoid in the ‘70s trying to sort it all. I did not understand who I was or who I wanted to become as the palette of possibilities expanded, thanks to the Women’s Movement.

But one thing I learned the hard way, while stumbling all over my own self-discovery, is that I had to love myself more—a lot more. This is what nurturers ultimately have to realize. If our joy is in giving: we will have nothing left to give once we are completely wrung out … a dish rag killed in its prime by constant overuse, cleaning up other people’s messes. Who gave to the Giving Tree kid once the giving was all gone?

Loving You
Doing nice things for yourself will get easier, once you live by the Converse Golden Rule and become your own best friend. Soaks in a hot tub, days to yourself declared and taken behind shut doors or away from home, weekend spiritual retreats—they are all yours for the taking. Sorry, but most of your excuses are lame. So are mine.

But I think it has to go even deeper than R&R. You have to resonate to and vibrate outward a deep love of your own being. Self-love is not vanity. It’s knowing your own magnificence as a reflection of Creation and Creator.

Whatever you have to do to find that connection with your spark of the divine, give yourself that Valentine.

Whether it takes journaling, talking to your best friend until her ears burn, or years of therapy: give yourself a gift this year and the same one to your loved ones by creating a wellspring of self-love from your innermost core. It’s a wellspring because it emanates from the Ultimate Source.

Now for my gift to you. Here’s a clip of the most beautiful song I have ever known that celebrates self-love. It’s called How Could Anyone Ever Tell You (you are anything less than beautiful), written by Libby Roderick and performed by Shaina Noll. The album it comes from, Songs for the Inner Child, is something your own inner child would love on Valentine’s Day or any day.

Now, go hug yourself!


~~~

Photo credit: WOMAN SHOWS HEART, © Foto.fritz Dreamstime.com